A call to contemplation

This story will start particularly embarrassing. It was a warm Sunday around the beginning of May when a wave of anxiety came over me. I was researching different platforms, wondering, which one to pick as my first attempt in blogging. In an instances I felt tremendously overwhelmed and inadequate. My shoulders dropped as if I had been defeated by something and my thoughts became dark and confused.

Me and my wife would usually do most of the housework during the weekend since we were both home and one of us could watch and play with our 1 year old son, while the other was cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. On that particular Sunday a lot of to-do’s had piled up, on top of that we got up later than usual and were falling behind on our schedule.

Since I was feeling out of sorts and anxious my wife suggested that, I go out and play with our son. I hesitated, thinking of the list of things that needed to be done, going out just seemed impractical. I was trying to come up with some sort of a multitasking solution but I felt too inadequate to propose anything so I agreed, got dressed and went out.

Outside the suburbs were silent and empty. You could here only the song of the birds and the faraway roars of cars, but apart from that, the streets were engulfed in stillness. I liked that, being alone outside with my kid, just the two of us trying to figure things out. I was trying to figure out how to get started on my blogging, and he was busy examining and exploring everything that he could see or touch.

We went to the empty schoolyard, were my son Andrei ran with stretched arms across the basketball courts, around the trees and benches. He was running and exclaiming with amazement and delight. Then he squatted near the grass and started digging with his 1-year-old fingers in the soil. He would pick up pebbles or fallen maple seeds and pass them to me.

Come and contemplate with me

As I was watching my son, my anxiety melted away and was gone as quickly and unexpectedly as it came. The fresh warm air, the sounds of spring and the stillness of the lazy Sunday afternoon consoled me. I felt tremendous joy that I had the privilege to witness it all and to watch my son explore it with an awareness and wisdom, which only few people achieve again as adults.

My thoughts started to be more self-conscious of my joy and bewilderment, I started thinking of how I would write about it, or how I would do this and that, but I was fortunate to interrupt myself:

“No, no do not think of this moment, do not analyze how you are experiencing it, be totally present in it. Be immerse in it to such an extent that you do not even think about it.”

I believe that is the trick – being so present that you do not even conceive of it. Being unaware of your awareness is true awareness. Just like my son wisely does not mix instances. When he is running across the basketball court, he is just running, when he is digging in the soil, he is just digging. He melts completely in what he is doing at the moment, but soon he will grow up and start thinking too much.    

Being a person gone through “somebody training” as Ram Dass calls it in one of his lectures, I was constantly going back and forth in my mind. At one moment I was present, I was contemplating the awe and beauty of the moment. Then my mind would notice what I was doing and start thinking, of nice things like how I would write this article, or how fortunate I was etc. These were nice thoughts but never the less thoughts that got me day dreaming away from the moment. Therefore, I had to bring myself back and then I stayed a bit only to drift away again.

I was not discontent with myself for this drifting, rather I just noticed it. Ah, isn’t that interesting. I did not even envy my son for his superior skills of contemplation. One might say “What superior skills of contemplation? He is just playing”. Exactly, he is playing with the Universe and his attention is so absolute that in one moment, the Universe is a maple flower, in the next moment it is I, then it is a pebble and so on with every moment.

Though not necessary, it is easier for me to contemplate and be present when a toddler is around. Just to watch how he or she plays with the Universe with such effortlessness and perfection. It is like watching a master performing his craft. It is inspiring.

Why contemplate

Well if I have to answer this question, I feel as if I have already lost.

A practical answer would be to get rid of my anxiety, but then again I do not want to contemplate on the moment only as a means to cure myself of petty fears. Contemplation brings me home or at least closer to home and I like that, it feels right. We constantly stray in dreams, fears, work, duties, engagements, anticipations and this is all fine, there is nothing wrong with such straying. But we should return home now and then. We should try to incorporate our contemplation in what we do and what we are.

For me contemplation is still sporadic, but it happens more often than before. An instance of peace and absolute equilibrium and then you get back to filling the forms, doing the work, paying the taxes, minding your business. I believe that there is not an opposition between spiritual practice and plain work and duties. They are not in a conflict where if you spare time for one you do not deprive the other. The great Zen teacher Dōgen Zenji told the laymen peasants that they could achieve enlightenment though their work, that is that there are other paths to enlightenment beside becoming a monk.

Therefore, contemplation and work can melt in each other, which is beneficial for the two. A sort of mutualism if you will. Taking care of my child, but simultaneously being totally present in the moment in contemplation of its innate beauty. And this could be done while brushing your teeth, doing your work, washing dishes or what have you. For me this are still instances of contemplation and they happen by themselves, hence they are not things that I do, but rather things that happen to me. That is why I treat them as gems. They come, incorporate everything, then they go, and later they would come again. I have learned for myself to never ignore a call to contemplation. It is something worth embracing.